Vincent the Vampire
by Crimson Moon
Summary: Everyone is trying to prove Vincent is a vampire! Will they succeed? Is Vincent really a Vampire? Read and find out! *Warning* for you people out there who don't like insanity or crazy things that don't make sense, dont' read this story...


Vincent the Vampire  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 7 ®. Final Fantasy is registered trades mark of Squaresoft, so please don't sue me, because you won't get money out of me.  
  
  
  
*Cloud and the rest of the highwind crew are on the highwind, except for Vincent*  
  
Cloud: Hey, where's Vincent?  
  
Tifa: He flew away…  
  
Cloud: uh…what?…  
  
Tifa: HE-FLEW-AWAY!  
  
Barret: Yeah, I saw 'im, he left right before dawn…  
  
Cloud: Don't you people find anything weird with that?  
  
All but Cloud: No…  
  
Cloud: *scratching his head confused* Er…ok…  
  
Sephiroth: What? It's completely natural to fly!  
  
All but Seph: *gasp* SEPHIROTH!  
  
Dun Dun Dun!  
  
Yuffie: Aren't you supposed to be dead??  
  
Sephiroth: I guess, but I taped myself back together. *arm falls off and rolls away* uh…  
  
Tifa and Yuffie: EEK!!  
  
Sephiroth: Sorry, I hate it when that happens…anybody got some tape?  
  
Cloud: um…yeah…*hands Sephiroth a roll of tape*  
  
Sephiroth: Thanks *walks over and picks up his arm, then tapes it back on carefully. It dangles there lifelessly.*  
  
Cloud: Sephiroth, what exactly are you doing here?  
  
Sephiroth: *shrugs* I don't know.  
  
Cloud: Ok…then, why havent you killed us yet?  
  
Sephiroth: I don't kill anymore, I am now pacifist.  
  
All but Seph: WHAT?!  
  
Barret: After all those god damned people you killed??  
  
Sephiroth: Oh yeah, I came back here to aplologize for trying to kill all of you.  
  
Cloud: What about Aeris?? *tears in eyes*  
  
Sephiroth: Now, that's your own fault. Why you didn't bother using a pheonix down I don't know.  
  
Cloud: WHA???  
  
Sephiroth: *Coughs* Idiot…  
  
Tifa: *smiles* For once I'm glad Cloud is an idiot.  
  
Yuffie: huh?…  
  
Tifa: Oops, did I say that out loud?…  
  
Cid: All right, let's get back to Vincent flying, it's less weird…  
  
Yuffie: I think he's a…VAMPIRE!  
  
Dun Dun Dun!  
  
*Everyone gasps*  
  
Sephiroth: Why didn't I think of that?  
  
Yuffie: Because you're an idiot.  
  
Sephiroth: Why I outa…*unsheathes masamune*  
  
Yuffie: Remember you're a pacifist now!  
  
Sephiroth: *scowls* …damn…*sheathes the masamune*  
  
Clouds: Whoa whoa whoa…wait…a vampire?…  
  
Tifa: Yeah! He has black hair, and red eyes!  
  
Yuffie: He leaves at dawn!  
  
Tifa: He sleeps in a coffin!  
  
Yuffie: He has a cloth thing in front of his face!  
  
Cloud: …so?…  
  
Yuffie: He's hiding his fangs you dummy!  
  
Tifa: He turns into a bat!  
  
Everyone but Tifa: …  
  
Tifa: A really…really…big bat…  
  
*everyone mutters* hmmm she's got a point there….  
  
Cid: But you're missing one thing…he doesn't drink blood.  
  
Yuffie: um…uh…wait, yes he does!  
  
Cloud: he does?  
  
Yuffie: I saw him outside drinking from a glass…with red blood in it!  
  
Dun Dun Dun!  
  
*everyone gasps*  
  
Sephiroth: LET'S GO KILL HIM!  
  
Tifa: Pacifist, remember?  
  
Sephiroth: er…um…it is ok to kill vampires, for they are evil.  
  
Tifa: …oh…ok!  
  
Sephiroth: *grins satisfyingly*  
  
Red XIII: so, how are we going to kill him?  
  
Cloud: um, how about we send him a cross in the mail!  
  
Tifa: good idea!  
  
Yuffie: Cid, fly us to the nearest jewelry store!  
  
*A couple hours later they all arrive at a jewelry store. Tifa and Yuffie look around for a cross until they come across a gold one with a diamond in the middle, and it's as big as their hands*  
  
Tifa: Hmm, is this one ok? *she shows it to Cloud*  
  
Cloud: Perfect.  
  
Tifa: *smiles innocently* Oh, and Cloud, look at that diamond ring right there! Isn't it beautiful? I would give to have that ring, you know? *cough cough*  
  
Cloud: That's nice Tifa, did you bring your money?  
  
Tifa: …  
  
Cloud: I mean, for real, if you want it so much buy it.  
  
Tifa: *scowls* Hmph! *walks back into the Highwind*  
  
Cloud: Huh? What did I do?…  
  
*later that day*  
  
Yuffie: Ok, I finished sending it. Let's go to Vincent's house to make sure he gets it…  
  
Cloud: Yeah, let's go…  
  
*they then fly to Niblehiem to the Shinra mansion, where Vincent lives.*  
  
Cait Sith: Here we are! *hops to the door* (I had to add him in somewhere…)  
  
Sephiroth: Hmm…it's been a while since I've been here…  
  
*they all walk in. The house is dim, because the curtains are closed, and Vincent is sitting on his couch watching TV*  
  
Vincent: Hello.  
  
Yuffie: *shivers in fear* h-hi…  
  
Red XIII: Have you gotten a package yet?  
  
Vincent: A package? No…why?  
  
Cloud: It's for your…erm…birthday.  
  
Vincent: *raises an eyebrow* It's June, my birthday isn't until October…  
  
Tifa: *famous anime sweatdrop* Oh, well…we know that! We just uh…thought we'd give it to you sooner…because…we feel nice today! Aha…  
  
Ding-Dong!  
  
Cloud: Um…that must be it…  
  
*Vincent answers the door and comes back with a little box*  
  
*Everyone looks anxious for him to open it*  
  
Vincent: I guess this is it? *he opens it*  
  
*Everyone seems to be leaning closer with an anxious smile on their faces*  
  
Vincent: Oh, wow…it's a…cross?…  
  
Yuffie: Yes yes, go on…TOUCH it! Ehehehehehe…  
  
Vincent: …???  
  
Cloud: *muffles Yuffie's mouth* Don't mind her, she's a bit excited…  
  
*Vincent takes it out of the box and looks at it*  
  
Tifa: *whispering to Red* Why isn't he burning?…  
  
Vincent: Er…well…I'll put it in my room…  
  
*Everyone scowls at him in disappointment*  
  
Cloud: Why don't you just go to hell!  
  
Vincent: what?…  
  
Cloud: *scowls some more and mutters under his breath* stupid @##!#$$%!%$$!#$$…  
  
*The next day*  
  
Cloud: Why didn't it work?  
  
Sephiroth: I don't know…maybe we should try something else…  
  
Tifa: Like what?  
  
Red XIII: How about we give him some garlic?  
  
Yuffie: Hey that's a great idea!  
  
Tifa: And I just happen to have some right here!  
  
Cloud: I'll go get it.  
  
Tifa: NO! You will not get it!  
  
Cloud: ??? Um…ok…  
  
*Tifa runs into the kitchen and pulls out some garlic*  
  
Tifa: Back!  
  
*Later, at Vincent's house…again…*  
  
Yuffie: Ooooooooooooh Vincent???? Where are you boy? Come here!  
  
*Vincent emerges from the shadows* You know, I am not a dog. Now what do you want this time? *stares them down with his blood red eyes*  
  
Tifa: Erm…*garlic tied around her neck*  
  
Vincent: what's the garlic for?…  
  
Tifa: wellllllll…we want you to…  
  
Vincent: *grabs the garlic and eats it.* mmmmmmmm…good…  
  
*everyone stares blankly*  
  
Vincent: What? I was hungry!  
  
Red XIII: Well…that didn't work…  
  
*Everyone walks away leaving Vincent just standing there*  
  
Vincent: …bye?  
  
*yet again later that day…sigh…*  
  
Cid: You all are full of crap! Vincent's not a vampire! Jeez…  
  
Yuffie: He has to be! I know it!  
  
Tifa: Well, if vampires are afraid of light, then let's shine some light on him!  
  
Yuffie: Wow, you know a lot about vampires! …how do we know YOU'RE not one??? *Suspicious glare*  
  
Everyone but Yuffie: ………………………  
  
Yuffie: …nevermind…  
  
Cloud: *coughs to break the silence* well people, it's almost nighttime. Let's hurry!  
  
*everyone runs out the door to the Highwind as Batman mobile music plays in the background*  
  
Cait Sith: Here we are! *hops to the door*  
  
Barret: Hey, didn' he do that last time?…  
  
Red XIII: Perhaps he is broken…  
  
Cait Sith: Here we are!  
  
Barret and Red: …  
  
Cait Sith: Here we are!  
  
Red XIII: Scratch that, he IS broken…  
  
Cloud: You two, stop fooling around, it's almost nightfall!  
  
*Everyone runs inside except Cait Sith who is running in circles and repeating the same thing over and over again*  
  
Vincent: …have you brought some more garlic? *He is not visible, all anyone can see is his eyes that are glowing in the dark*  
  
Tifa: er…no…*nervous smile*  
  
Vincent: oh…  
  
Yuffie: We do have something else for you though!  
  
Vincent: Hmm…what? Another cross?  
  
Sephiroth: nope…  
  
Yuffie: THIS! *pulls open the curtains only to reveal darkness*  
  
Cloud: Crap…it's night…  
  
Cid: Well this sucks…  
  
Vincent: Oh wow, thanks, the curtains were jammed and I couldn't get them open…  
  
Yuffie: …er…you're welcome…  
  
Vincent: I can finally get some light in this place.  
  
Cloud: Um…yeah, right…  
  
*grasshoppers chirp*  
  
Vincent: Um…could you guys come with me to the Nibleheim Mountains?…I need to get…something…  
  
Yuffie: YES! We'll be happy to go! MUWHAHAHAHA!  
  
*silence*  
  
Cloud: weeeeeeeeeell…we'll be…more than happy to go….  
  
*Vincent smiles* thanks guys.  
  
*At Mt. Nible*  
  
Vincent: um…can you guys wait there? It's right over there…  
  
Cloud: Uh, ok…  
  
Yuffie: Wait, I'll come with you…  
  
Vincent: No you can't…  
  
Yuffie: Why? *suspicious glare*  
  
Vincent: Because it's a surprise…  
  
Yuffie: oh…ok…  
  
*Vincent walks away*  
  
*Sephiroth suddenly unsheathes his Masamune* AHAHAHA! I've got you all where I want you!  
  
Tifa: Huh?  
  
Sephiroth: You are all idiots! I lied about being Pacifist!  
  
Yuffie: And about taping yourself together?  
  
Sephiroth: Well…no…*Finger falls off* …  
  
*Everyone laughs but Sephiroth* AHAHAHA! WHAT A BRIGHT IDEA YOU HAD!  
  
Sephiroth: *scowls evilly* …  
  
*All of them are rolling on the ground laughing*  
  
Sephiroth: ALL OF YOU STOP IT NOW! It doesn't matter now because you are all going to die!  
  
*everyone stops laughing* …  
  
Yuffie: But, we still have to kill Vincent!  
  
Sephiroth: HA! Vampires don't exist kids, how on the planet did you ever get an idea like that??  
  
Yuffie: It's true! And we'll prove it!  
  
Sephiroth: I'm tired of your talking, shut up and die! I AM INVINSIBLE!  
  
*Suddenly the broken Cait Sith comes out of nowhere, still repeating the same thing and runs into Sephiroth*  
  
Sephiroth: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!*Is thrown off the cliff*  
  
Tifa: Wow, thanks Cait Sith!  
  
Cait Sith: Here we are!  
  
Tifa: …  
  
Cait Sith: Here we are!  
  
*A green light glows and Aeris rises out of the gorge*  
  
Aeris: Hello, because you defeated Sephiroth, I was able to return to you- *Is suddenly cut off from being pushed back over the cliff* Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  
  
*Tifa brushes her hair back and grins*  
  
Cloud: Tifa, what was that?  
  
Tifa: oh nothing…  
  
Cloud: I could of sworn it was-  
  
Tifa: It was nothing Cloud, nothing at all…  
  
Cloud: ok…*obeys like an obedient puppy*  
  
*Vincent returns carrying a big back of something…*  
  
Vincent: heh heh heh…hey…where's Sephiroth?  
  
Cloud: He fell over the cliff…  
  
Vincent: Oh…ok…lets go back to my house…  
  
Yuffie: Yes…lets…*Grins suspiciously again*  
  
*Back at the Shinra Mansion*  
  
Vincent: Guys, it's late…go home…  
  
Cloud: Ok.  
  
Yuffie: NO! I will not leave!  
  
Tifa: *grabs Yuffie by the hair and drags her out* Bye Vincent…  
  
Yuffie: OW! LET GO OF ME!! I HAVE TO PROVE IT!! I MUST!!  
  
Tifa: Oh shut up…  
  
*They all go outside except for Vincent and Tifa lets go of Yuffie's hair*  
  
Yuffie: ARG! I must prove that Vincent is a vampire!  
  
Tifa: He's not a vampire Yuffie!  
  
Cloud: We've tried everything, but nothing has worked out!  
  
Yuffie: …fine then, I'll do it myself!  
  
Red XIII: Is she by any chance deaf?  
  
Cid: *Shrugs* I wonder sometimes…  
  
Yuffie: Please please PLEASE help me!  
  
Tifa: *turns her back to Yuffie* No!  
  
Yuffie: pweaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssseeee? I'll give you back your materia!  
  
Tifa: What?? You stole my materia!  
  
Yuffie: Uh-huh!  
  
Tifa: Give it back you little thief!!  
  
Yuffie: Uh uh uh, not until you help me!  
  
Tifa: *scowls* fine…  
  
Yuffie: YAY!…so, here's the plan…*Everyone huddles together and she whispers her plan*…ok?  
  
Cloud: That's a plan? Anyone could of thought of that! It's the oldest trick in the book!  
  
*Later in the morning*  
  
*Everyone is huddled together, they all enter the Shinra Mansion at once. Everything is quiet, and still…the door creeks as they open it…*  
  
Cait Sith: Here we are!  
  
Cid: Damn it SHUT THE *BEEP* UP!!! *stabs Cait Sith with his spear*  
  
Cait Sith: HeRe We ArE…are…here…we…are…we…here…w…  
  
THZZZZZZZZzzzzzz….*electrical sparks*  
  
*Cait Sith is now broken down*  
  
Yuffie: Well….there goes out quiet entrance…  
  
Cloud: Not to mention the element of surprise…  
  
Tifa: Hey guys, he sleeps down stairs, all the way down in the basement right? And we're all the way up here. He wouldn't be able to hear us unless he had bat ears.  
  
Everyone: …  
  
Tifa: Oh wait…aha, nevermind…  
  
Red XIII: It wouldn't hurt to try…  
  
*Everyone nods*  
  
*Downstairs*  
  
Cloud: Ok, here's the coffin…hehe…  
  
Yuffie: I have the stake…  
  
Tifa: Ready?  
  
Everyone: Ready!  
  
Yuffie: I'm going to be called "Yuffy the Vampire Slayer" after this! Maybe I'll get my own TV show too…and-  
  
Barret: Damnit Yuffie, get on wit it!  
  
Yuffie: *sighs* oh fine…  
  
*They slowly open the coffin…but it is empty*  
  
Vincent: Hey guys, what in the Planet are you doing in my house at this hour???  
  
*Everyone yells* AH! *they all turn around, and Vincent is standing there in his PJs, sleep in his eyes, but still has that cloth thing over his mouth*  
  
Cloud: We um, thought you slept in there!  
  
Tifa: Yeah, stupid us! Aha…  
  
Vincent: Why on the Planet would I sleep in there when I had a perfectly good bedroom upstairs away from all the monsters down here?  
  
Yuffie: *scowls* You wanna know why??? BECAUSE YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!  
  
Dun Dun Dun!  
  
*everyone gasps*  
  
Cloud: hey wait, I thought we already knew that?  
  
Tifa: Be quiet Cloud, the author is just trying to add some drama…  
  
Cloud: oh…ok  
  
Vincent: *laughs* You guys seriously thought I was a vampire?  
  
*everyone points to Yuffie*  
  
Cloud: no, she did.  
  
Yuffie: HEY! You did too! You nearly wet your pants when- *is muffled*  
  
Cloud: That's right, it was all her idea.  
  
Tifa: So, we're just leaving now, sorry to disturb you.  
  
*Yuffie breaks free* WAIT! Vincent, are you really a vampire?  
  
Vincent: *Laughs some more* no, of course not…  
  
Yuffie: Then why do you always leave at dawn?? How do you fly?? And what about that blood I saw you drinking?? And…how do you turn into a bat?? And that bag of stuff??  
  
Vincent: I leave at dawn because I get tired, I mean don't you? I can fly because of my unusual abilities I got from Professor Hojo making me into a freak, the blood you saw me drinking was red Kool-Aid! AHAHA! And I turn into Chaos also because of my abilities! The bag of stuff was weapons for you all because some monsters ate the Christmas things I got you. Hehehe, you guys think up the weirdest stuff!  
  
Tifa: See Yuffie, he isn't a vampire!  
  
Yuffie: Aww…this sucks…oh well…sorry Vince.  
  
Vincent: I don't care, you gave me a laugh. Now get out of here.  
  
Yuffie: But wait, Christmas was 7 months ago…why didn't you get it to us earlier?  
  
Vincent: I never had time because I was fighting off monsters and things with you guys.  
  
Yuffie: oh..  
  
Cloud: *sighs* Guys, I'm tired lets leave…  
  
*everyone nods and starts to walk up the stairs*  
  
Tifa: So Yuffie, where's my materia?  
  
Yuffie: Materia? Oh…yeah…I sorta lied about that, I didn't take anything from you…  
  
Tifa: *scowls*  
  
Vincent: Oh and…  
  
*everyone turns to Vincent*  
  
Cloud: Yeah?  
  
Vincent: *grins mysteriously* Next time you break in here, do it a bit more quietly…I have ears like a bat you know…  
  
*they nod, and walk off*  
  
*Vincent pulls down the cloth and smiles, revealing his sharp, blood stained teeth…*  
  
*Twighlight Zone music plays*  
  
THE END 


End file.
